A Clown's Tears
Crying is better than not, but then what? Puer Aeternus speaks.
Right now, this channel serves me and me only. (There’s the selfish clown I know and love!)
I can't really think of anyone who could possibly benefit from listening to my deranged musings about the odd intersections of interests, talents, proclivities, and debased passions of which I am possessed constantly. That doesn’t seem to stop me. And you’re here to prove me wrong, I hope.
I cry at the drop of a hat. I cry when I help someone cross the street. I cry when I see someone else help someone cross the street. I cry when I talk about some meager achievement I’ve accomplished. But mostly I cry when I contemplate the pure heroic presence of every living being who manages to get up in the morning and go through their day with some shred of dignity and grace, including myself. And for those who don’t. Including myself. I try to make room in my heart for all.
So please don't read this for pearls of wisdom or sage advice. I have no earth-shattering observations or insightful opinions. I am certainly convinced of my genius more often than I’m convinced of my ignorance, in a sort of inverse Dunning-Kruger effect. I'm a political idiot, a business moron, and am likely just another homogeneous voice amidst to growing cacophonous sea of noise. I’m egotistical enough to twist a tightrope of magical thinking on which I can twirl and caper like a young goat on a cliffside. But write I must.
Because I feel like I’m slowly going insane.
Let me back up a bit. In order of importance: I'm an artist. I am a husband. I'm a father. I'm a son. I'm also a depth psychology professor. I'm also a leadership development coach. I'm also an aging physical theater performer. I'm also terrified at the fact of young people’s struggles with mental health today. Perhaps that is why I write. Because, I too, am a child. But I am also a clown.
I have lately been inspired by the work of Dr Iain McGilchrist, Dr John Vervaeke, Dr Jordan Peterson, Bari Weiss AND Barry White, Douglas Murray, the Weinstein Brothers, Eric and Bret, as well as Jung, Hillman, Meade, Goethe, Marquez, Borges, Bowles, Perec, and so many more. I'm an Evergreen State College alumni (‘96) though from an era when that meant something positive. (Despite all its recent struggles I still love the place dearly.) I studied clowning with the Great American Vaudevillian, Larry Pisoni, one of the founders of The Pickle Family Circus. I have performed acro balancing dressed as an alien lizard on the halo of the Space Needle 520 ft above floor of the Seattle Center. I've danced naked in front of crowds of 5,000 at the Oregon Country Fair. I've taught theater to deaf orphans in Romania. I've done backflips for crowds of children in Hong Kong. But right now I can't seem to do anything except cry.
When I take an archetype test I come out as the Dreamer! What a surprise. In the Enneagram I'm a 4 V 5. What does that even mean? You tell me.
I'm an avid rock climber who's pushing the limits of 5.11 to try to break the 5.12 barrier, though at my advanced age of 53 seems less and less likely. But these days all I seem to be able to do is cry.
What's wrong with crying, Brad? You might ask. Nothing of course. Unless it prevents you from speaking – anywhere. A tough break for someone who makes their living working in front of people. Is it unresolved trauma from a father who died of AIDS in 1985? Is it the multiple near death experiences I've had? Some accidental, some purely intentional? Possibly. What it feels like is empathy. Like a pure, raw thread being pulled from out of my heart slowly and painfully.
But let me be clear I love life. I love people. I love the potential of every single human being. I know no stranger. Perhaps that's why I cry so much it's because I don't know how to help my children make sense of this world and I desperately want to. I want to help people make sense of this insanity we're experiencing, the unadulterated ego-driven madness that has taken hold of so much of our culture. Consilience has left the building, as has the ability to hold multiple truths simultaneously. This troubles me deeply and the resulting suffering is practically unbearable.
So I am here now, describing the world I see and how I make sense of it. How I address the “meaning crisis” for myself, my two teenage daughters, and for my clients who, more and more, are young people desperate for the tools which Jonathan Haidt identifies as crucial:
Fostering Resilience and Independence: • Facing manageable challenges in a supportive environment • Learning cognitive behavioral techniques to combat negative thought patterns • Developing problem-solving skills without relying on immediate adult intervention • Cultivating a growth mindset for lifelong learning and adaptation
Enhancing Social Connections: • Engaging in group activities that build genuine relationships • Practicing intergenerational communication skills • Developing a sense of community and belonging through collaborative projects
Mindfulness and Emotional Regulation: • Learning practical mindfulness techniques for stress management • Enhancing emotional awareness and regulation through embodied exercises • Developing a toolkit for maintaining mental well-being in challenging situations
Cultivating Purpose and Meaning: • Exploring personal values and passions through creative exercises • Engaging in service-learning projects to connect with the broader community • Developing a sense of purpose beyond individual achievement
Critical Thinking and Information Literacy: • Enhancing analytical skills through dramatic interpretation and discussion • Learning to evaluate information sources critically • Practicing respectful dialogue and an exchange of ideas rooted in good-will.
Holistic Well-being: • Understanding the mind-body connection through movement-based activities • Learning the importance of sleep, nutrition, and exercise for mental health • Developing habits for maintaining physical and mental wellness
These are the skills that I try to teach, and to be certain, the skills I need more than anyone else. (We teach what we most require, no?) Sure, these all sound great, and well intentioned. But how? The task seems monumental. And it is. But I can think of no greater reward than to help a young person regain the essential skill that makes us truly human: the ability to control and direct our attention. It is not enough to identify these needs. We must demonstrate and teach and support and nurture them in ourselves.
So, Onward I go. Here I will describe my progress in this task. The workshops I hold, the triumphs I observe, the tragedies I experience, all in a quixotic quest to help humanity reclaim its birthright for Beauty, Truth, and Value. I believe in that trinity.
I ask for your support as you can provide. I respond very well to praise, to critique, feedback, and coinage – I am an artist after all. (smirk)
Thank you for your attention. It is a precious gift and I vow to never, ever take it for granted. Your attention is a miracle. I am grateful.
I will leave you with the words of Dr. McGilchrist’s which have inspired me beyond measure. It is how I will close each and every one of my posts here:
Attention is a creative act.
I remain, yours.
A Clown ;o)